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During the extensive travels of DESTINATION: EARTH!, we have discovered three ultimate truths... The first is that there are two types of people on this world... and most of you are one of them. Second, facilities designated for bathing purposes should be regarded as the most valuable commodity in the known universe. Finally, all types of transportation vehicles suffer from what we have termed the "Overuse & Abuse" Clause (i.e. They are inherently unreliable, and sometimes even seem to make sentient choices to refuse to operate at the most inopportune moments). This is particularly true at the hands of the members of DESTINATION: EARTH!, who often fail to realize the rather slim, consumer-oriented, operational perameters with which these units have been designed.

Please keep these ultimate truths in mind as you explore the touring documentary analyses of DESTINATION: EARTH!


House shows are always among the more interesting experiences on the road, and this particular date was no exception. Following the pre-selected trajectory, our crew entered the Rushville atmosphere with many free minutes to spare. Acting as navigator (my general function in the absence of Sailor Venus), I guided the shuttlecraft toward its destination, making only one wrong turn along the way (this was predominantly Yurak-38's fault, I should add).

As we completed the final turn of our approach, the driver's side tire on our accompanying trailer went flat. Fortunately, we managed to make an emergency landing in the front yard of our host's property without knocking down any mailboxes.

One of the other bands, KILL TIMMY, was completing their soundcheck as we began to unload our apparati in the general direction of Slinky's garage. R5-D4, who proclaims his independence more loudly than most, arrived seperately from the rest of DESTINATION: EARTH! a short time later to discover our predicament.

I met with our good friends Angie and Scott, who also introduced us to our most hospitable host, Josh (aka Slinky). Humanoid lifeform Slinky was gracious enough to allow Yurak the opportunity to make repeated phone calls to U-haul throughout the rest of the evening, in an attempt to schedule a rescue mission.

As the sun began to dissipate, KILL TIMMY started playing. Though I spent part of the time keeping Yurak company while he was on hold, I saw a good portion of the set, which was a lot of fun, even without the lead singer's trademark hockey stick microphone stand. KT's hardcore/punk/metal sound is always a nice change of pace for me, as most similar bands seem to have little interest in performing with D:E! (In fact, they seem to hate us.)

After the band's final encore and a short set-up interim, D:E! took the stage. Things went very well, for the most part, and I had a particularly fun time, having just purchased a new Fender Twin amplifier hours before. (I don't know how the designers managed it, but the Twin seems to transcend the shoddy human design work of most comparable guitar amplifiers - more on this later...)

D:E! performed several newer songs, such as "Whore of the Worlds," "System Failure," and, at the request of Mr. Beefhead, "Hotrod Supernova." We also took the opportunity to try out a new swing arrangement of "U-uranus," and performed the often-overlooked "Robots Can't Surf" and "Sum Times Y" (again, by request).

Those glorious lords of thick and juicy rock music, MR DNA, rounded out the evening with an extended set of balls-out rawk musik. The band opened with a new original; an instrumental which was more musically accomplished and intricate than most of their material, but which served as an excellent introduction nonetheless. As lead vocalist Mr Beefhead had lost his voice during the band's set the previous evening, he relied on his devil-may-care sense of humor to relieve himself and the audience of his predicament. He even performed one song wearing a mexican wrestling mask ala LOS STRAITJACKETS. Fellow guitarist Jason Sisk also helped take up some of the slack during the set, singing a little more than usual and utilizing his excellent metal-posing stances to great effect.

As the evening drew to a close, it became apparent that U-haul had failed to dispatch a rescue party to the Rushville sector. Yurak and I reluctantly agreed to leave the trailer behind and return to meet with the U-haul operatives the following day. (Raider-X was scheduled for cleanup duty in a neighboring sector, and was therefore unable to return with us.)

For those not in the know, I have a tendency toward backseat driving, particularly when my mind is unoccupied by other things. As we passed through a dusty crossroads of a town on our way back toward Indianapolis HQ, I took the opportunity to suggest that we decrease velocity, as Yurak was surpassing posted speed limits (small towns are known for their speedtrap-ticketing law enforcement officials, afterall).

Sure enough, mere minutes following my utterance our shuttle was pulled over by one of the boys in blue... Fortunately for us, the officer was in a good mood, and only gave Yurak a verbal warning when he claimed that the shuttle's speedometer had been broken for a year. The officer even took a moment to enquire about what type of music we played, to which the three of us simultaneously uttered "SURF!" "What's that?" Mr Blue replied.

Needless to say, Yurak and I returned the next day, and, following a prolonged jam session (Yurak on drums, me on guitar), the U-haul representative arrived to repair the downed transport vehicle. It took appoximately eight additional hours that day before we finally managed to return home to HQ.

07/04/00 - BAILEY'S - CHICAGO, IL

After our less-than-satisfactory trailer-toting experience, D:E! decided to utilize Shuttlecraft X for the this performance near the Chicago area. The event itself was a psuedo-private party held at the abode of a Mr Bailey - quite a cool fellow (for a human) who was familiar with Davie Allen & the Arrows. I say 'psuedo-private' because, although we were actually scheduled to perform only for Mr Bailey and his party-goers, we ended up performing to the entire block of surrounding homes (Some of the residents, strangely, we not D:E! enthusiasts). It was, however, an all-ages show in the truest sense of the word. Mr Bailey's party-goers ranged in age from eight to eighty-five, and most enjoyed the music of D:E! We performed nearly every song in our reportoire, and added several new covers specifically for the occasion, such as "Rumble," "Walk Don't Run," "Pipeline," and, yes, "Wipeout." We also debuted a new original, "Gattler Goes Surfing."

On the downside, I made three aborted attempts at "Hawaii Five-O" before giving up, and some of the songs sounded less tight than usual. Due to the humid weather conditions, we opted not to wear our spacesuits for the show... and I felt NAKED!

Raider-X took the opportunity of traveling in Shuttlecraft X to re-acquaint me with the music of Earth groups such as Motorhead, Black Sabbath, and Talking Heads. As we re-entered the atmosphere of our home sector, we picked up radio frequencies advertising an upcoming D:E! performance in the area. "Good to be back at HQ," I thought, "even if it is only temporary."

With our alien idealism once again intact following the relative success of the July 4th show, DESTINATION: EARTH! decided that lightning wouldn't strike twice, and opted to rent another U-haul trailer for the Twinsburg jaunt. A small town located just a few miles south of Cleveland, Ohio, Twinsburg is often cited as the clone (aka twin) capital of the world. Unfortunately, I spotted nearly one twin during our entire day-long adventure.

The music coordinator for the three-day Homedays festival was none other than Tom Pervanje, guitarist for the band SPY-FI (whom, I must admit, had some influence on D:E! when we forged the name of our new musical genre). R5-D4 led the way, in his personal recon transport, while the rest of D:E! followed his course with Yurak at the helm.

Arriving at what we thought was an hour and a half early, we quickly realized our miscalculation - Cleveland was, in fact, on a different time than Indy, and due to this anomaly, we had ten minutes to transport all of our gear from the edge of the fairgrounds to the side of the stage. At the last minute during setup, I realized that my amplifier footswitch was malfunctioning, and therefore performed the entire set distortion-free. The performance itself was solid, for the most part, which was surprising considering R5-D4 and Raider-X's hesitant usage of other musicians' equipment.

Following the set, we got an encore performance of psychedelic surf-rockers SQUID VICIOUS (for whom we had set up a show in Indy the previous Thursday). The band performed a cool set of surfy soundscapes, assisted in no small part by the Jim Thomas-esque guitar work of Ted James. Despite the occasional sound problems with the bass stack donated for the event, SQUID pulled through in fine form. We also enjoyed a set by Columbus-based surf band THE VULTURES. Only a three-piece, THE VULTURES were very tight and all possessed very solid technique. If I've ever seen an unsigned surf band worthy of being signed, it's them. SPY-FI took the stage next, with their brand of instro/spy music. Concentrating mainly on popular cover themes in a bar band style, SPY-FI threw in a couple original tunes for good measure, and the moog-laden tracks were especially compelling.

But the real action didn't take place until Raider-X, Yurak-38, and I began the long road back to HQ. Approximately 40 minutes from home base (and only minutes after Raider-X took the controls, I might add), lightning struck for the second time. Without warning, the driver's side tire on our U-haul trailer flew right off the axl! Yurak and I managed to catch a final glimpse of the renegade tire as it bounced off the side of the road and into a ditch. As sparks began to fly from the downed side of the trailer, Raider-X did his best to apply the emergency braking thrusters. Upon later inspection, it appeared that the six drill bits placed around the wheel had to have simultaneously come loose (none of the screws were stripped).

What could have caused this incident? Varying theories have been proposed. Maybe it was Raider-X's overly-cautious driving, or perhaps the precocious teenagers of the 7-Zark-7 Hate Club had finally caught up with us at the last rest stop. My own theory revolves around some type of negative energy field being produced by a peculiar female driver, with which Yurak made visual contact earlier in the evening. (It was only after she passed us by that we noticed her plethora of black magic and witchcraft-related bumper stickers.) Whatever the cause, this seemed to be a case for the X-Files, and it was an incident which would assure our refusal to utilize any piece of U-haul equipment in the future.

(with Los Straitjackets)

This auspicious event, which was a double bill with the legendary LOS STRAITJACKETS, was one of D:E!'s best performances in recent Earth history. Not only were we performing alongside one of our favorite human combos, but there was to be live midget wrestling!

As is seemingly the case with most good ideas for live rock & roll shows, things went south with the wrestling idea even before the show began. Apparently the gentleman providing the wrestling ring showed up mid-afternoon and got paid up front... He then departed the scene, never to return! This predicament made for some uncomfortable tension between musicians and wrestlers (not the best of friends in the first place) in the normally high-spirited backstage area. But this setback did little to deter DESTINATION: EARTH! (even when R5-D4 got in a fight with one of the midgets!)...

For the first time in a long while, D:E! performed a malfunction-free set of spy-phonic surf-punk, and the crowd was very vocal in their approval. The band even threw in the often-overlooked "N Remains Constant" and "Idioblast Invasion" for good measure. As stated previously, this was no mere performance but an EVENT, and for the first time since the band began conducting auditory experiments on the Third Planet, fleet commander GENERAL CASUALTY personally supervised the proceedings!

GATTLER THE TERRIBLE also made his presence known, despensing mind-controlling neural sensor brain implants throughout the crowd (aided in this task by his new henchman, ZEBULON). The band was joined on stage by three energetic go-go dancers toward the end of the set, at which time GATTLER took it upon himself to perform a completely unwarranted STRIPTEASE (Is there anyone out there who's been to a D:E! show and hasn't ALREADY seen GATTLER'S BUTT??)

LOS STRAITJACKETS took the stage soon afterward, and, despite some problems with the venue's acoustics, played an impressive set of surf-a-billy instros. Combining tracks from all three of their full-length releases, LS also applied their Mexican wrestling-mask-mania to versions of "Squad Car," "Telstar," and "Out Of Limits."

And so, despite the greed of one humanoid ring provider (who has since been vaporized), D:E! and LS saved the day, and a good time was had by all.


The agents departed HQ at approximately 1700 hours for their debut appearance at the famed Fourth Quarter in Terre Haute, IN (not to be confused with the reknown steakhouse, the Fifth Quarter). Upon the crew's arrival at the venue, I made an alarming discovery - the sacred stage uniform, which had been so carefully refitted especially for the evening's performance, had failed to materialize from hyperspace! Following load-in and soundcheck, Raider-X and I deliberated about what exactly needed to be done. We eventually opted to venture to a nearby distributor of consumer products in search of some suitable replacement gimmick devices. Failing to turn up more than a few glowsticks (R5-D4 purchased a large number of Star Wars Episode 1 mugs, which were on clearance), we considered doing an encore performance as above-the-law operatives, the CRYBABY CLINT EASTWOODS. Having initially used the name at a Volcano Room date a few weeks earlier (in order to accomodate the venue's stringent lineup and time requirements that evening), we decided that DESTINATION: EARTH! would make a bigger impression on the locals. In the end, Raider-X, R5-D4, and Yurak-38 appeared in their spacey Sunday best, while I considered it a small consulation that my helmet had materialized from hyperspace at the last minute. The pressure was also somewhat relieved when we found out that the headlining band, JIHAD, were so enthusiastic to perform with us, having heard that D:E! was one of the best bands in Indy (A big vote of thanks to whoever is spreading these crazy rumors!)

Not wanting to dissappoint our human peers, D:E! performed a solid set - one of the best in recent memory. Following the debriefing, a plethora of new test subjects were initiated and auditory recordings dispensed.

JIHAD soon took the stage, presenting a straightforward, yet strangely unique, mixture of Radiohead and U2-influenced material. Their set provided an excellent avenue for the twin attack of the band's guitarist/singer/songwriters, one sounding like Thom York, the other providing a vaguely Elvis Costello-ish foil. A good band with a stellar amount of quality material, JIHAD were a fun group to work with, and we hope to meet up with them again in the near future.

All in all, no fatalities occurred, and no missteps (aside from the aforementioned uniform predicament) were endured. Let the invasion continue!